Sunday, June 26, 2011

I'll be waiting a while

Well, breakups suck. My boyfriend of six years broke up with me last night. That and many other reasons contribute to the suckitude (it's a word, damn it!) of this, not least that male "friends" of mine whom have shown more-than-friendly interest in the past are now going to assume I'll go for them. Men who can actually see women as human beings they might want to just be friends with seem few and far between for me past high school. One I lost contact with, one I ended up dating (he's the one who just broke up with me), and the other is gay. Just about every other male friend of mine is, well, too friendly, and there are few, if any, of them I would actually take up on their offers. You see, investing in a relationship with a very intelligent and intellectual man for over a quarter of my life has left me with some high standards. Basically, I don't want to do it all over again with another man. He's simply going to already be where I'm at. Thus, I decided to to devise some ground rules for dating me. The fact that none of the aforementioned too friendly males have likely read this or will read it pretty much solidifies that we will never end up together. So here it is as follows:

You think you even have a chance at a long-term relationship with me?

Well, for starters, since this is the least important part, but still important, you must be reasonably attractive to me. If I've ever told you something about you physically that I liked (rare), that's a good sign, but it still doesn't mean I like your overall appearance.

Politically, you will have to be hard Left, but not so hard that you are unwilling to criticize the Left's faults, particularly with regard to feminism. Read: if it's ever feminism vs. the Left (like the Julian Assange case), you had better be siding with feminism.

You must accept that Israel is totally in the wrong when it comes to the Israel/Palestine conflict, even if you think they're right about non-Palestine-related things.

Furthermore, you must not be close-minded when it comes to conspiracy theories. It's okay if you think some of them are nuts (lizard people), but you must be open to others (9/11 truth, chemtrails).

You MUST vote.

You will care enough about the environment not only enough to believe that, yes, Global Warming is happening and is caused by us, but enough to pick up garbage from the ground every now and then. Recycling should go without saying.

Speaking of environment, you must be prepared to become vegetarian before we have children because I insist on raising them as vegetarians. This will not be disputed.

You must be open to pets for when we live together. I will want a puppy, and not that of a small dog. I will also want a kitten.

You must never, EVER, kill an animal (yes, that definitely includes bugs) unless necessary, i.e. moth infestation.

When it comes to sex, you must understand that I have endured sexual assault as a child and as a young adult, so certain things are triggering for me, such as pain. You will have to make sure I am open enough before PIV sex.

"No means no" will not be enough. You will also have to understand the philosophy of "Yes means yes".

You also can't have any kind of transmittable STI and condoms are an absolute must since I can't swallow pills. Should the condom break, you had better be pro-choice because if I don't feel I'm at a place in my life where I can raise a child, I WILL abort, and I want nothing but support from you.

Whatever belief system you may follow is fine, but you WILL tolerate mine, and you will never try to convert me. Furthermore, assuming you follow one of the better known religions, you will never criticize my religion unless you are willing to heavily criticize your own and accept critique on it.

You must know the difference between gender and sex.

You must be pro-feminism. You must agree to raising our children as feminists. That is to say, with as little gender influence as possible.

You must never talk "good feminism vs bad feminism", nor must you speak of feminism as a monolith.

You must understand what male, white, straight, cis, able-bodied, upper class, etc. privilege is.

You must never question whether or not there is a "gray" area in rape. The answer is no, and that is that, and you must convey this to your friends and acquaintances when they say things that suggest "gray" rape is possible.

You must understand that all sexual assault is about power, whether sexual desire is present or not, and that sexual desire usually is not.

You must never, ever, even suggest that a victim of sexual assault is A) not that hurt by it B) tainted or C) even the tiniest bit to blame (you must never use the "but blame isn't the same thing as responsibility" argument). Nor must you believe that false accusations are anything but rare and you must certainly never suggest that a false accuser deserves to be actually sexually assaulted or that ze should be given a sentence other than for perjury or slander.

You must be well-read and open to reading some of my favourite books. You must also read my writings. Every single one I want you to read.

You must love movies that are not torture-porn. You must love at least some musicals. You must love RENT and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog.

It should go without saying that you must not be sexist, racist, heterosexist, ageist, ableist, sizeist, or transphobic.

You must accept that I do not shave my pubic hair (and you must like bush), do not use deodorant (and you must love my natural scent), never wear make-up (except on Hallowe'en) or nail polish, never dye my hair, rarely straighten my hair, never tan unless inadvertently by sunlight outside, and currently have a streak of hair on the front of each leg. And you must find me attractive regardless.

You must have a crazy fun side to you and accept my crazy fun side.

If you do not groom yourself, you must allow me to do so.

Since my last boyfriend and I were together for so long, you must accept that I will talk about him from time to time. You must also be prepared that if he gets his shit together and would like to resume the relationship we had, I will go back to him unless I have fallen head over heels in love with you by then.

But none of this actually makes up for all the experiences my boyfriend and I have shared, so if you want more than just a chance at a long-term relationship with me, all of the aforementioned still applies, except:

You must be very attractive to me.

You must know who my heroes are and respect them.

You must be a 9/11 truth and chemtrail conspiracy theorist.

You must vote NDP or Green.

You must already be a vegetarian.

You must love animals and know about them, including most bugs.

You must be an expert in sex.

You must also be an agnostic witch.

You must be a serious feminist as agreed to by several female feminists.

You must have read and enjoyed all of my favourite books.

You must have watched and enjoyed most of my favourite movies.

You must think I'm beautiful.

You must be absolutely hilarious, and sarcastic, but know when it's appropriate to curb that. You must employ tact wisely.

Added bonus if you regularly participate in protests.

And doing some kind of major activism on the order of Rachel Corry, Michael Moore, Norman Finkelstein, etc. wouldn't hurt either.

Are my standards too high? Well, that's all right as you probably weren't interested in a long term relationship.

If you want a short-term relationship with me, scrap just about everything above, and let's start fresh:

You must be absolutely gorgeous to me. Remember this is short-term, so you'd better have something to make up for lacking most of the above.

You must still totally not be okay with any kind of sexual assault and understand that lukewarm consent isn't consent.

You don't have to be pro-choice, but you must absolutely use condoms (I can't swallow pills), and you will just have to accept that if I don't feel you will support me in whatever choice I make should an unplanned pregnancy occur, I will abort without telling you.

Having any of the  qualities I require for a long-term relationship wouldn't hurt either.

So yeah. When I told my boyfriend I'd be waiting a while, I meant it. I won't settle for less and, given everything I invested in that relationship, I'll probably only settle for better.


  1. Geez, why would anyone break up with a woman as male friendly as you?

  2. Aww, were you hoping for a chance? I'm sorry, but even if I was into bestiality, pigs really wouldn't be my first choice.

  3. 6 years and he ended it? No offense but ever think of leaving politics and meat eating out of a relationship? I mean I was raped as a child too, but I am former USMC. I don't like the left or the right and I think that the wikileaks rape is a set up by the CIA to shut the man up seriously what kind of conspiracy theorist are you not to think that up? Settling for better do you mean treatment or quality of liberal?

  4. Uhhh, no. Politics are important to me. Why would I have a relationship with someone I intend to share my body with, live with, have and raise children with, etc. who doesn't share important beliefs and philosophies with me? My politics are based on my sense of justice. It just so happens that makes me leftist. However, I am not married to being Left. Where I think the Left is wrong, I'll say it.

    In a partner, I want someone I can feel safe with, not someone I'm going to fight with, which is exactly what would happen if I dated a conservative or a moderate, or even a liberal allergic to any criticism of the Left.

    So no. I can leave politics out when it comes to some of my family members and some of my friends who aren't very close, by my partner needs to be on the same page as me in all things truly important to me. I cannot have a relationship built on small talk. I don't care if he likes sports or not, even though I have no interest whatsoever, but he has to recognize when sports fans are being misogynistic. He doesn't have to be able to identify most flora and fauna species he comes across, even though I can, but he has to care enough for their not being wiped out.

    As for the Assange case, I think I've said all I need to say here and here (seventh paragraph from the bottom). Put short, I do think he was the victim of a plot. I don't think that and his actually being a rapist are mutually exclusive. I open to the possibility that the rapes were fabricated, but on principle I never doubt a story of sexual assault unless there is a lot of evidence to the contrary, and there isn't in this case.

    "Settling for better do you mean treatment or quality of liberal?"


    1. Well I am not a conservative I'm a neo conservative. So I like to make things balance out on common sense. In all I'd treat you right but I am not a liberal or a conservative I like to mix both to make common ground from which change can be made.

    2. Oy, few comments when I'm active on this thing, and sure enough they come once I go on hiatus. Anyway.

      Neo-conservative? Dude...that's the worst.

      "In all I'd treat you right"

      Wha-eh? Stop, just stop. Seriously, there wouldn't be a chance in hell of me ever getting together with an MRA or a neocon. What the hell is up with you guys making such suggestions? Is it a challenge thing? Whatever it is, jeez, just stick to women who share your beliefs.